why was it that when i typed a super long post, it just couldn't be published, and so i have to write a new one? argh. i can't be bothered to retype everything out again.
my hamster died today.. but i dun feel sad. no point lah, what's done is DONE! i have loved and cared for him as an owner, and now that he's dead, it's time to move on.
school is getting more and more imba these days. my math test: 8.5/12. not very good lah =/ but the part that pisses me off the most is that i made a careless mistake.. if not i could have gotten 10.5/12, which is more acceptable lah. but i feel very guilty.. ms low gave us so much, and i can't even repay her kindness in terms of my math results. and it's not even as if those questions were completely foreign.
I HATE LA. yep, ms yeo has been doing a great job in ensuring that the LA welfare of 3H has been pretty good, and i do think she's a good teacher. however, i just don't think LA is my cup of tea. no offence, anybody! :)
i wonder what subject person am i leh. a lot of people (including my parents) think i am a language person, but then again, i dun have the creativity or passion to churn out good essays. i prefer math to shakespeare haha.. and for some reason, creative writing can't give me the satisfaction i derive from math. mr sng said in a speech a few days ago that the adolescent years is when we start to question who we really are. i dun think i'm much of an LA person after all. and i'm not as good in it as what other people think.. i know myself best, right. my blog posts happen to be long coz i'm either very pissed off, or excited to reminiscise about my day with 3H. under normal cirsumstances, i dun write such long posts.. although i DO notice that my posts have been longer LOL. i think i'm beginning to talk more both online and in real life.
ok, better stop here now. got lots of things to do, and i'm very sleepy now. sian arh.
bye :)

math was shit. feeling damn apprehensive about it, dun even know whether i can pass or not, let alone get at least 80%. maybe i should have studied more, i mean, we've seen those kind of questions before right? sigh. the test was for like only 20min, and 5 questions!! T_T and to make things worse, when time was already running out, ms low said "4 more mins" then i began panicking like SIAO ok!! as a result, my mind went blank and i couldn't do anything anymore, even though under normal circumstances i think i would be able to.

why are some people born with natural math talent while others are math noobs no matter how hard they try not to be one? maybe i'm just not born to be good at math. and i was so upset and stressed out over the quiz tt for practically 1 period, i was like stoning and lamenting to hang yin about my zero IQ. (thanks hang yin for listening to all my crap even though it was a waste of time and you could have used the time to do something more profitable! :) ) she told me dun stress myself, tt kind of thing lah, but it's not as if i want to stress myself in the 1st place. to me, marks are tt important. especially a useful, core subject like math.

sigh.

confusion

i really dunno what to do these days. so many things to do, yet so little time and motivation to do them. i feel torn between so many worlds - i really don't know what is best for me. people would say tt this is just teenage angst; everyone goes through them. but sometimes i just feel like it's going to kill me anytime. and someone who keeps pestering me whether there is anything to hand up tmr is REALLY IRRITATING. &*^&(^%Y*%. CAN YOU PLEASE ACCEPT AND UNDERSTAND THE FACT THAT I HATE BUSYBODIES?!?! ugh. been feeling pretty pissed off these few days. but it's not like i'd tell many ppl about it.. not that i dun trust anyone, but since i'm a complete sucker for sharing emotions, i prefer bottling everything inside and just wait for it to go away.

***

i'm sorry but i have to let everything out here.

i'm really sick and tired of all this shit. all my life, i've been doing things to make YOU happy. you guys have always dominated my life, so that my likes/dislikes/interests/dreams become yours, and there's practically nothing left for me to call my very own. i dun even feel comfortable around you anymore! you claim you love me and care for me so if there's anything wrong you'll always be here for me. but everytime i try to tell you about what i TRULY feel, you'll be angry and say something like "SHUT UP!", "don't talk crap to me", "we've discussed it already, i don't wish to repeat myself" or, "you have no right to be angry." what the hell. you think that since i was once a toddler means i'm a toddler forever is it -.- you don't realize that you must expect different levels of submissiveness from toddlers and teenagers. i find you shockingly domineering and controlling. it's like, i dun even have any breathing space at all! i feel trapped.. within the confines of my own home. my home, a place supposed to be filled with warmth, care and security, has now only been demolished to a place where i eat, sleep, bathe and study in. talk about what care and security. unless you're referring to the lack of security without a roof over your head lah, that is.

i'm still very pissed about many matters which have supposedly "closed" years ago. i feel as though i'm living my life for the two of you.. which is retarded, coz IT'S MY LIFE. MY LIFE, not YOURS. if you've made some success over it, then i wouldn't mind.. i would trust you anyway wad. however, time and again, you screw up all my plans, hopes and strategies for a better future. if i were to make my own decisions, whether it turns out well or not, i'm fully responsible for it. but if YOU make MY decisions, if it turns out well, the credit will partially go to me, partially to you. (if the consequences are desirable then i wouldn't mind sharing the credit.) but if it turns out badly (like it almost always does), i'm SOLELY HELD ACCOUNTABLE. held accountable, even though i had no choice but to follow. held accountable, even though the decision wasn't made by me. then you will come and blame me, say that i'm never happy with what i have. of course not happy right, since i have nothing to be happy about with your decisions -.-

you say that you love me so much, you want me to succeed tts why you plan out my future for me. and i can't have a say because you're "so much older and have seen so much more of life than me". so yup. no self-made decisions, no happiness, ultimately no success, which brings about more unhappiness. when i'm pissed, you will say tt i like to make myself angry for no good reason, always like to roll my eyes, tts why my eyesight was good then now detioriated, tts why i got migraine. then still say what "when everybody is achieving success, you will be in the operating room. no amount of money can replace you being in the operating room." then will proceed to tell me about the horrors of it. (dun want to type here coz i lazy xD )

when i show signs of irritation and hint to you that you don't deserve to take 200% control of my life, you will say," then dun come and complain tt you dun get the success you want." like duh, of course i dun! coz you always come and ruin my plans. you dun realize that i know myself best, you barely know me coz i won't reveal my character to you.. just because you gave birth to me or you hope i'll take after your genes or some bullshit you know me much better than i know myself. how many dreams i had to part with in order to make you happy! i know i have lost my sense of self in the process. but do you care? NO! you never care about feelings.. if you do it's only your own. i never get a say in my everyday affairs. people have advised me, time and again, to sit down and have a good talk with you guys. ok lah, talk then talk lor. but the problem is, will you think it IS a problem that has to be addressed, or me showing some attitude problem? we both know the answer, dun we?

and you. you say that whatever i do must lead me to a trophy, so dun waste time doing things that dun. yet, you tell me that this kind of do-things-which-will-lead-me-to-a-common-benefit mentality is too singaporean. ugh. dun you realize you are just contradicting yourself? never mind if those areas are what i'm truly passionate in! never mind that those things are just as important to me as academics! never mind that those things are a measure of my self-worth! never mind lah, coz only your opinions matter, right? i know you will agree.

people think that whenever i have a problem (including those with you), i can always tell them. so they may be wondering, why dun you share it with someone then?

and it's such a simple question.

ugh. i wonder when this will end.

wah stupid stupid stupid -.- i received the damn msn virus thrice today. 1st time was from meera, my pri school friend.. when i saw my email at the file i go open.. then found out it was a virus. by then too late liao.. invaded my whole msn and automatically go send to my contacts without my knowledge and control. the 2nd and 3rd time was from joshua.. he claim i go send to him then it go send to all his contacts. ran the antivirus for dunno how many times liao.. and delayed my history group (sorry!) argh. now is 12.57am and there's still the speech to write.. thankfully, jin jia did quite a lot liao :) i damn tired.. for the past few days, i slept a grand total of 9 HOURS!

imba LOL.

hi. yay sian sian sian! i really hope emperor can come along fine.

rahh. i will never dare to touch sodium hydroxide ever again in my entire life.

so retarded. i got burnt by it today..

coz during chem lesson, we were doing chem experiments, and my NaOH bottle apparently was leaking (but i didn't dare to screw it tightly in case i got burnt), so i just poured and.. OWW! (i think i screamed very loudly leh. >.< )

so went to rinse my hand under running water and called the teacher.. then she gave me first aid O.O thanks steffi, ei leen, felise and cheng ting etc for their help! :D just now when i was bathing, it started stinging again.. oww. nvm lah, tchr said it should be ok within 2 days, so i take it as a definite yes =D

should go eat my dinner now, then clear up my math holiday homework coz it's due tmr and i don't exactly have very little left! (Appalling LOL.)

feel damn retarded now

so demoralizing..

should i or should i not? i know i'm unprepared, but golden opportunities only come once in a lifetime.

kinda emo.. coz wad ms lin said, after all, is true.

but then again, i can't back out now, can i?

in such a dilemma now.. both ways are equally enticing

i really don't know what's best

i couldn't concentrate during math lesson coz of this..

you guys probably didn't know what i was thinking.. but thanks for cheering me up (unconsciously) with all the crap and laughter :)

and for awhile, i really forgot all about it..

but then, it stupidly chose to come back =(

went to RGS for the HSSRP briefing today

mdm nora drove me there (wow) and i sat there in her car feeling so paiseh..

coz the 2 of us were the only ones there =/

but she was nice.. she offered to drop me off somewhere after the briefing (:

but my dad was already picking me up so i didn't go.

i saw phyllis at the briefing!! she's my pri sch friend!! =D

then we kept laughing and laughing during the briefing..

then there was this group of guys who went to present their proposal..

one of them was standing straight, BUT his butt was sticking out -.-

we all were sniggering.. i hope we didn't laugh too loudly xD

right now her msn nick is "it isnt alright if you stand real straight with your butt sticking out you know" LOL!

then there was this girl.. she kept applying dunno wad lipstick or lip gloss or something in plain view of everyone.. when the speaker was speaking

so disrespectful huh =.=

we sniggered at tt too xD

but the worst was this woman.. i shan't say anything about it here.. coz it's too err.. sick to be spoken on the internet anyway

the briefing was kinda boring.. but it was fun to see phyllis again LOL

but i wasn't thrilled about the ponning lessons part though.

missed chem test.. and i heard CME was funny.

arghh.

gtg now. bye

second post for the day. lol. i know my previous post sounded kinda cut off suddenly coz i was in a rush just now. but now i have time so i shall post properly.. actually i don't really have anything much to say except tt my sore throat still hasn't recovered. at least it was better than this afternoon when i was laughing and laughing and then all the phlegm came. then it was so difficult to talk but at least my voice wasn't so bad. so just now still can talk lah (:

popping fisherman's friend into my mouth now. i think i will finish the entire pack of 22 lozenges before tmr afternoon. stupid throat. i should thank the person who made me laugh and laugh by repeating the err.. sensitive subject with perfect knowledge of the consequences. i know i laughed like crazy in class today. LOL. well now i guess i'm reaping the fruits of my labour =/

discussing hist project now. damn tired from just now.. all the laughing and supposedly 7 periods of MEP. luckily ms lin was nice and let us off at 5.11pm when dismissal was supposed to be at 5.45pm. some more i was so desperate for fisherman's friend tt i ran over to ghim moh during lunch and came back within 15 min! argh. and i kept eating them during MEP. when i told ppl aboout how i got my sore throat, they were all like O.O.. well i'm feeling this way also!

ok, i guess i shall go do hist proj now.. quite short of time now. it's 10.48pm and i'm aiming to go to bed before 11.30 (quite unrealistic i know. haha). anyway, gtg now. bb =)

hi ppl.. back for my 60th post (: thought i'd better post while i still can, before it's too late ;)
I LEARNT THE FOLLOWING INVALUABLE LESSONS IN SCHOOL!
1. russian churches are onion-shaped and symmetrical, supposed to resemble a candle flame.
2. you must never scold a russian tour guide in chinese because they can understand you.
3. LA film can be a satire if you want a comedy.
4. People can laugh until they have sore throat (like what happened to me today >.< )

commomwealth essay
emperor concerto
piano diploma
new standards in life
new academics standards
new CCA expectations
i do hope i actually make the best out of it and not screw it up >.<
***
fatigue
stress
the harshness of reality sinking in
emo-ing
disappointment
wanting to seek solace through prayer to God
sianfied
doesn't know if what she's doing is right
doesn't know if she even knows what she's doing
tired.
very tired.
wanting to give up
yet wanting to press on
wants to learn how to persevere
yet acknowledges the inevitable fear and reality of burnouts
nervous breakdowns..? not true now.. and hopefully, forever
trying to push beyond the limits
yet knowing that some limits ARE limits.. God put them there for a purpose
biting off more than what can be chewed
crossing fingers so a failure will not be prevalent
something lurking at the back of the mind
yet not knowing what it was.. or why it was there
forget it. leave it alone
will work cause it to be forgotten?
it's retarded, but hey, maybe it works
commonwealth essay is crap after all.
homework to be done
life has to go on
yet still herer crapping like this
not knowing how
not knowing why.
untruthful,
unsure,
unconfident.
oh well. but it's all crap anyway.
***
sometimes life is all like this
watching people all leaving
watching silently, no goodbye, no tears
maybe that's what it's meant to be after all
unknown,
unidentified,
like a closed book.
ah well.
bye bye.
goodnight.
it is 11.29pm now
and there's school tomorrow.

haha. came back from school.. should be bathing by now but heck it, i wanna use the comp 1st :) wah for 12 days my CPU crashed, so i was thrilled when i got it back. then for the next 3 days my wireless network adapter crashed, so i could only use the comp again today. 15 days without internet.. can die man hahaha.

orientation's been great :) especially the leadership stuff. our new form teacher is ms low, and yep, i think she's nice.. she talks a lot. LOL. got to know quite a few new ppl too. 3H 08' has been fun so far, and i hope it will continue to be for the next 2 yrs! (like the way we forced ben to sing yue liang dai biao wo de xin.. haha.)

ok, feeling very tired now. dun feel like blogging anymore.