ugh. i feel like just venting my anger in ways other than via my blog but i can't coz this isn't exactly a free society.. ok yes it is for some people but no, obviously i am not one of them.

anyway can you please just give me some peace and quiet?!?! i hate this like hell omgosh. and i can't do anything about it. guess it's all about the endurance and patience.. however, i fear that i will not be able to take it much longer. my breaking point may just come anytime. even as i am typing this, i'm wondering if i will just snap or have an emotional breakdown or something. i have no more energy for anything, really...

for the last 5 min of piano lesson today, ms toh invited her grade 2 students in (most of them were australians around my age, or slightly younger.) she asked me to play the mozart sonata 1st mvmt for them and let them guess what grade am i in. halfway through playing, i just had no more energy to continue anymore!! i just felt like stopping, like all my energy was drained out of me. maybe it was coz of the busy march hols i had. mon: LA proj + walk walk at bugis, tues: chinese proj + walk walk at bugis, wed-fri: band camp. so even after sleeping for about 10 hours, i remain as drained as ever T.T my HSSRP and most of my hw remain undone. i had not started mozart sonata 2nd mvmt, even though it was supposed to be hw from very long ago?!?! ms toh found out but i had to sight-read the exposition part during lesson anyway >.< so i'm totally unprepared for my diploma lah. now i think it's being postponed to april 2009. wow. SYF during that period also ahh. and sec 4 is supposed to be very busy leh, omgosh =/

but worst of all are still my grades. while most ppl (including my parents) still haven't found out how many tests i have screwed, i'm really very stressed over it!!! it's like i feel i'm a complete idiot.. regardless of whether i study or not my marks are still crap. and i dun understand a lot of things, even though my tchrs are good and i have tuition. and anyway i dun exactly have time to do a lot of in-depth revision, which just adds lots of fuel to the fire. i'm tired, really tired.

the physical tiredness is already bad enough. but the mental exhaustion is so much worse. i wonder how long more can i carry on like this.

for saga maligna, mr ng mentioned a lot of times about being so sad that you cannot cry. i've always wondered what it was like to experience it, which he said he has experienced before. i used to think that when you're really very sad you will cry (or rather, weep) nonstop, but now i realized i was wrong. take now for example. i'm really very emo, frustrated, upset, stressed, sad.. lots of negative emotions put together and all mixed up inside. it's like i'm just bottling it up, and regardless of whether i want to cry or not, i just can't. it's not that i don't want to. it's just that i've reached a point where i'm really tired of everything and there's no more energy left inside me. not even to do something as simple and effortless as crying.

yes mr ng, i've got what you mean. i'm unable to cry, unable to let it all out. all i can do is just sit there and stone.

i feel that sense of dreariness
i feel that sense of hopelessness
i feel that sense of such mental exhaustion that i cannot cry
i feel like doing nothing except just sitting somewhere and stoning
i feel like just running away from everything, but i just can't
i feel like i'm losing myself in all these crap emotions
i feel to tired to even write this post, let alone do my homework
i feel like just abandoning everything
i feel like having a nice long sleep, to dream about pleasant things only and forget about all undesirable stuff
i feel like i'm living an empty life
i feel that my life has no passion and meaning to it
i feel too tired to even have a nervous breakdown
i feel like i'm totally undeserving of whatever blessing i have
to summarize this in one sentence, i feel like i'm a total GONER.

sometimes when i'm supposed to be happy (or not sad, at least) i will suddenly just start to emo.. i also don't know why =/ it has happened a lot of times.

the tears have finished flowing and you're not helping. (to any of you who are reading this blog, dun worry coz it's not you.) now, there is an empty, hollow void in my soul where the tears used to be, where they used to wash away the pain. now that even they are gone, i'm really left with nothing.

i know i act very happy (sometimes even to the extent of being overly hyper) by talking, laughing, gossipping and crapping etc. i guess you all may even think i do it too much. however, it is only then when i am able to forget about all the pain and crap etc and just enjoy myself.. temporarily. later when i am all alone again everything will automatically start crashing back.

for those of you who have lent me a listening ear during this trying period of time, i just want to let you know that i cannot ever thank you enough. i feel really blessed to be surrounded by such caring people like you all, whom i know will stand by me even in the darkest hour. thank you so much! :D

for those of you who have also been caring about me although you are unaware about what i've been going through, i thank you a lot too (: it's not that i dun trust you enough to share such personal stuff.. it's just that i'm uncomfortable with doing so. it's not that i intentionally poured out my innermost feelings to them, just that they happened to find out by chance. (dun ask me how they managed to realize that something was wrong.. they just seemed to sense it. beats me how they did. =/ )

i'm really very touched by all of you who have tried to help me get over such a tough time, even if it was just a simple "are you ok?", coz to me, care can be expressed in the simplest of ways. God's love, together with such intangibles, are the only things that keep me going. because of the care, concern and encouragement that you all have shown me, i press on and continue to run the race of life. thank you everyone who has attempted to cheer me up, regardless of whether you succeeded or not. i'm not someone who cares about the outcome of such actions; to me, it's the thoughts that count. when i think about you all and all that you've done for me, i feel a lot better already.. thank you so much :D

but i'm still very sad leh =/

never mind. maybe i should just learn to put on a happy facade and forget about all the undesirable emotions beneath it. or maybe i should just learn to toughen myself up so that i can remain unfazed even in the face of such emotions. or maybe i should just pretend everything is all right, until the day i really snap..

thank you everyone who has helped me through this mess. it's not over, but hopefully it will be over soon.

thank you, once again. <3