one word says it all: FUCK.
(sorry if anyone is offended >< i'm feeling really pissed off now.)

it may seem like a small matter to you, but you know that to me, it is not. i take it personally. to me, it just simply reflects your controlling behaviour, your domineering attitude and your lack of acceptance for a way of life that isn't completely similar to what you want it to be.

i went to make my IC today. haha i feel so old, 15 liao.. most of my friends are still 14 =P it was supposed to be a happy occasion, with this identity card as a sign of growing up, but for me, that was a no-no. on the contrary, it reflected how much i'm still under the control and bossing around of some people.

the woman asked me what was my religion, so i said i'm a christian. and ____, who was with me, insisted that i was a freethinker. then she was at a contradiction lah, so i told her just to type 'christian'. but _____, as usual, never fails to disappoint and anger me. so on my personal particulars page, it says that i'm a freethinker -.- i was damn bloody pissed off ok. dun get me wrong. to me, freethinkers and christians and ppl of all other religions are the same to me. then _____ said, if i wanted to change it, must wait until i'm 'big' then can change -.- yeah ok, i'll be holding you to your word arh. when the time comes, you better not go back on it. i trust you and your integrity.

i'm still very upset and pissed off by this, even though it won't be reflected in my IC. the stupid woman whose face i just felt like slapping said it's just for singapore's statistics, but still. it reflects who i am right. after all, it's my personal particulars. _______, just because you're legally, physically, emotionally and biologically responsible for my welfare doesn't mean that who you are is what i am. which part of 'mutual respect' and 'acceptance' do you not understand? i dun ridicule you or anyone else for their religious views, so why can't you do that to me? why? why? why?

some politically correct stuff (which i realized has a grain of truth in it): singapore is a secular state, so we must learn to accept and befriend one another, regardless of race and religion, so as to promote peace and harmony in our country. and you, who will be a senior citizen soon, can't even understand such simplicity?!?!

the woman was probably shocked at how adverse we are towards our own stands. as usual, _____ wins again. i lose, even though it is a matter concerning my life. it sucks when you're like this and still can laugh about it and say "i'm so proud to have a daughter who is a freethinker." those words may have been what ____ felt, but the main motive was just to antagonize me can. why can't you learn to accept me for who i am?? it's not as if i'm doing anything illegal or immoral what. it's only because the Bible say must "honour your parents" that's why i didn't hurl vulgarities at you.

now this adds on to my emoness. you can't even acknowledge and accept me for what makes me what i am. all you care about is me taking over your ways and ideals. but there are still some things that can't be compromised. everyone will definitely have something they believe very strongly in what. by now, you should have realized that by openly mocking this belief, you're hurting that person tremendously. it's so undignifying, both for you and for me. just as how everyone has the rights to choose his/her religion, why can't i choose mine? to me, this is an important decision, and i know i am not the only one who feels this way.

to everyone reading this, regardless of your religion, please don't feel offended by what i've just said. i was contemplating whether to write this, but i badly need a place to vent my frustration, and since this blog will 'listen' to everything i say without any comments, i thought venting it here is the best thing to do.

to The One Up There, i know you know what i am feeling. it just can't be expressed in words. please forgive the very rude word, together with all my sins, and help me get over this.. without a fight. in Jesus' name, amen.

_____, you suck.

hey world, just a quick update coz hillary has been asking me to. :)

today was bad day, leaving me feeling really very disgusted with some things. for goodness' sake. what makes you think tt it is supposed to be my top priority? what makes you think tt i can sacrifice all other commitments for it? what makes us convinced tt it's worth it? i really hate it, omgosh.

sometimes, i wonder what does the word passion mean. does it mean like you're so freaking head over heels in love with something tt you would go all out just for it? or does it mean something tt you only pursue in your free time? well today i found out the answer, didn't i? it means that your life muz revolve around it. it means that it has to be your top number one priority. hahaha.

but sports day was fun leh!!! poor hillary couldn't come coz she was stuck with CCA. she wanted to see how crowded the stadium was xDD so me and sijin took some pics using my pics! oh, and i da4 gai4 know how to send pics using bluetooth liao. lol.

i don't know why, but lately i've been feeling like crying. no, it's not because of my shit grades.. they may be disappointing but it's just not that feeling that's mounting up in me. but then again, i dun have many reasons to - with 35 nice classmates and being in 3Haven, life seems perfectly ok on the surface. but then again, something is wrong. maybe i'm being too overly conscious. maybe i'm living the wrong life. maybe what i'm currently left with is what i all started with - nothing.

in the eyes of you all, i may seem secured and self-assured. but maybe, this is not the case after all, even though i've always been trying to convince myself tt i'm fine. what do yall think of me? outgoing? funny? witty? exaggerative? lame? idiotic? a leader? a follower? hyper? nice? mean? superficial? someone who talks and whines a lot? a friend? or just a plain wannabe? these are just some of the many adjectives tt have been floating around in my mind for like so long already. i only chose some of the most prominent coz there are just TOO MANY to list down. i don't know who to tell ok. i know yall are nice ppl :) (oh, and thx so much for your help when i vomitted during PE yesterday for reasons i shall not mention here and had to go sick bay >< ) but i scared if i tell ppl then wait they get irritated or something.. maybe the friendship was strong at first, but coz of my incessant whining the friendship gets lost =(

a few days ago, i think hang yin could tell that i was sad >.< she was like asking me if i'm ok. like duh, i said i was. sian...

another question that has been bugging me as much is whether i have been living the wrong life. how many aspects of my life do i actually enjoy? what kind of satisfaction and pleasure do i derive from doing what i'm doing? i see other ppl, they all seem to have so much joy and fun doing all the stuff that they do.. me leh? sometimes when i do them i just emo and question myself on my purpose for doing it. quite weird right.

nvm. shall just drown myself in other stuff and forget it.

to you, i will miss sitting near you. will miss your laugher, crap, jokes, etc etc. but most of all, i will miss you.

to you, i bet you don't know that it's been all passionless and empty.. not happy like what you think.

to you, i know your intentions may be good, but its effects aren't.

to you, i dun really like you. anyway you dun seem like such a nice person wad.

to you, thanks so much for venting it out with me! (:

to you, i really treasure those times.. i don't want us to drift apart because of this. i really don't want to. i can't imagine life with us as strangers.

to you, why must it turn out this way?!?!

don't ask me who i am referring to.

zz. today is a bad, sad day. a super sad day can. =(

oh man. today was a bad day :'(

came back to school today hoping it will be as fun as last term, getting surrounded by wonderful people who sit around me. and then ms low decided to implement the new seating plan (the 3 people one) so now i'm sitting next to someone i'm not exactly comfortable with. byebye hang yin! =( oh well, at least you're behind me ^^ you once asked if i will remember you as my partner.. i dunno if you were joking or not, but anyway, here's my answer (although i did tell you on the spot then): yes.

oh, and tomorrow's my birthday. it's only my second time having my birthday fall on a school day.. it was always in the march holidays. cool huh. anyway the new seating plan is such a wonderful and nice early birthday present yeah. i hope the subject teachers complain that we talk to much. so that we can move back to our old places (:

argh. and we got back our history test today. disappointing =/

oh my gosh.. what am i becoming?!?! T_T

1. How old will you turn in 2009?
16. It's only next yr, what.


2. Do you think you will be married by then?
WTH, no?!?! I'll only be in sec 4!


3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
My birthday.. which is in 2 days! xDD


4. Do you like to say “I told you so”?
Nah.


5. Who was the last person to call you?
My mum or dad.. either one, I can't really remember =/


6. Do you prefer call or text?
sms.. but msn is stil better xD

7. Do you have any pets?
Mimi, my hamster! <3


8. What were you doing at 1:30 am?
Emoing and blogging. Quite an ungodly hour for such stuff i know.


9. What were you doing at 3:00 am?
Sleeping? =.=


10. When was the last time you saw your mom?
A few minutes ago.


11. What is your mood?
Emo, coz of you-know what; stressed, coz of HSSRP and my shit grades; excited, coz school is starting tmr; sleepy, coz i slept at like 2+ last night and woke up at 7 or 8+ this morning.


12. How many houses have you lived in?
4


13. How many city/towns have you lived in?
2


14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, barefeet or sandals?
Barefeet, coz that provides ultimate comfort xD and i like slippers too.. convenient and comfortable.


15. Are you a social person?
I dunno leh. I used to not bother talking to other ppl but now I feel very weird if I dun.


16. What was the last thing you ate?
Poppa dum! :)


17. What is your favorite color?
Black! No, not emo =.=


18. What are you doing for your next birthday?
Going to school, MEP, gossipping, the like..

19. What is your favorite TV show?
Err.. I dun watch TV.


20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Doesn't peanut butter + jelly + bread = disgusting sandwich?!?!


21. Do you like coffee?
YES!! COuld never stay awake without it.

22. What are you listening to?
The TV and the sound of me typing on the keyboard.

23. Are you mad about anything?
What do you think?

24. Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth?
Duh, save the earth! -.-

25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Nope.. I sleep wherever I wish to sleep xD

26. Do you know how to play poker?
I this kind of person where got learn how to play card games one..

27. What are you thinking about right now?
How I should finish this quiz without being found out.. how I should finish my hw and cram in some revision.. how I should improve my piano.. CCA.. how sleepy I am.. etc.

28. Any plans for this weekend?
Finish learning and start perfecting my piano exam pieces, hw, slack, SLEEP!!! ^^

29. Have you cut your hair this week?
Yup I just did an hour ago. :D

30. Last picture you took?
Part photo!

31. Are you a tease?
No, I tease some people. xDD

32. Who was the last person to make you cry?
CONFIDENTIAL :D if you know me you will know what makes me cry xD hahaha.

33. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
Nah.

34. Do you prefer the ocean or pool?
Both are the same to me.

35. Do you smile often?
Depends.

36. What color are your bed sheets?
White. Very normal right, haha.

37. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Clothes/accessories? No, not bimbo lah xD

38. Do you wear jewelry 24/7?
Used to wear earrings/necklace, but stopped coz sch dun allow necklaces and hoop earrings.. too lazy to get stud ones. Anyway I like hoop ones a lot more.

39. Where do/did you want to go to college?
Maybe NUS? Or some England/American universities? Aiya not very sure lah, see my A-level results first then start thinking mah..

40. Have you heard a rumor about yourself this week?
No.

41. Who is the funniest person you know?
3H ppl.. ok, that makes it more than one person. But they're all really very funny!

42. Who makes you the happiest?
Hm. A lot of people leh. As long as you can make me laugh so that I forget about some stuff, you make me happiest. :)

43. What do you think of the most when you are alone?
Hmm.. depends on my mood lor.

44. When it is a rainy night, what do you do most of the time?
Same things as what I do on a non-rainy night lor. Chiong last-min stuff, prac piano, MSN, internet, etc.

45. If certain things in your life will fall apart, what will you do?
Put on a brave front, hide the emo-ness and do things that will make me forget about all the bad things. Like that people won't know that I'm emo-ing, and hopefully, I can forget about it too. :D quite hypocritical I know, but yeah.

46. Ever cried about something stupid?
Yeah. Lots.

47. Do you have a girlfriend?
Oh yes, lots of them! ^^ but of course not in that sense lah, hahaha.

48. Where are you?
Study room.

49. Is it in you to kill someone?
Obviously not physically lah.

50. Happy with your life?
Even if I'm not happy I still have to act happy right? So it doesn't make much of a difference whether I'm really happy or not.


—

Whoo another one. Taking up a lot of time leh.

1. What is a question that people always ask you?
“Have you finished your homework?" Ok, that's just my parents.


2. What does the 6th text in your inbox say?
I lazy go check. Probably on some band stuff lah.

3. What’s the last thing you said to someone & to who?
Can't remember, must have been "ok" or something like tt lah.

5. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Go to school and CCA lor. Just like any other monday.

6. Have you ever called 000?
Walao. Really very lame leh.

7. Anything interesting happened today?
Went to NUS Open House coz my parents want me go there, so my dad brought me to "walk walk" lor. I dun really care, hahaha.

8. Do any of your friends have children?
Nope, at least not yet. All teenagers only what.

9. What CD is currently in your CD player?
Soul of the Tango if I'm not wrong.

10. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Depends on my mood.

11. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
Eh, don't think so.

12. When was the last time you had Starbucks?
CNY eve! When we went there for LA project discussion.

13. Can you whistle?
No.. but I always wanted to learn though =/

14. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
1 more hole on each ear! But I very scared pain, and anyway my mum doesn't allow >.< lucky you, Hillary!

15. Do you get along better with boys or girls?
Girls duh. I am a girl what =.=

16. Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
Left side always.

17. What are you listening to?
The TV, a car driving past and the sound of me typing on the keyboard.

18. What does the song remind you of?
What song?

19. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Abigail (pri sch friend, whom I dun talk to anymore) and Hang Yin (she stays at Clementi so that's pretty far ctually).

20. What did you do yesterday?
Piano lesson :D and tuition.

21. Whose hands did you last held?
Eeew. I dun have a boyfriend and I'm not les.

22. What’s bothering you right now?
Personal stuff? >.< homework, HSSRP, sleepiness...

23. Next vacation you’re going on?
I dunno.. wait, is level camp to trengganu (mind my spelling) considered?

24. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Yesterday when playing to Ms Toh's Grade 2 students I guess.

25. What did you dream about last night?
Like almost always, I had dreamless sleep.

26. Does your phone ring in the middle of the night often?
No? Whose does?

27. What gets in your way of your sleeping?
Nothing. When I sleep I sleep like a dead person.. even if you blow a suona loudly into my ear you won't be able to wake me up =D

28. What is something you recently learned about yourself?
I'm actually quite emo =/

30. Do you like anyone?
I like a lot of people and will still continue liking them leh xD

31. Do you know anyone who’s married?
Duh? E.g. my parents?!?! =.=

32. Kicked anyone in the balls?
NO?!?! That's sick.

33. Who was the last person who made you cry?
CONFIDENTIAL :D

34. What are you doing?
Trying not to fall asleep, trying to finish the French Revolution thingy for History, blogging duh.

35. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Eww. Zzzz.

36. What is one thing you miss about your past?
When I was in P4-P6.. left me with a lot of unforgettable things that now are nothing but memories. Actually still got a lot more things leh, like 2J'07 duh.

37. Are you jealous of anyone?
A bit I suppose. =/

39. Has anyone recently told you that they like you?
Oh yes a lot of people, lots and lots of them xDD up to you to imagine who. But really, it's obvious, especially so since they know that I like them very much also :D

40. Who was the last person you ride with?
Ride what? Car? My dad.

41. What are you looking forward to?
MY BIRTHDAY!! =D which I guess means making my very own IC? Yay!

42. How are you feeling today?
Emo, tired, stressed, lousy, sleepy.. aiya, a lot of emotions lah. Too many to list here.. I feel normal jiu dui le.

43. How many things in your past do you regret?
To be frank, a lot. Too many to list here lah, anyway they're confidential. If you know me well enough you will know at least some of it.


Yayness school is starting soon! Can't wait to see the 3H peeps! Oh, and it's my birthday in like 2 days' time.. I think it's gonna be a fabulous fifteenth with a lot of fabulous people!

Eh wait, there's MEP. Kk nvm, shall just endure it and think of ways to make myself happy. :D

ugh. i feel like just venting my anger in ways other than via my blog but i can't coz this isn't exactly a free society.. ok yes it is for some people but no, obviously i am not one of them.

anyway can you please just give me some peace and quiet?!?! i hate this like hell omgosh. and i can't do anything about it. guess it's all about the endurance and patience.. however, i fear that i will not be able to take it much longer. my breaking point may just come anytime. even as i am typing this, i'm wondering if i will just snap or have an emotional breakdown or something. i have no more energy for anything, really...

for the last 5 min of piano lesson today, ms toh invited her grade 2 students in (most of them were australians around my age, or slightly younger.) she asked me to play the mozart sonata 1st mvmt for them and let them guess what grade am i in. halfway through playing, i just had no more energy to continue anymore!! i just felt like stopping, like all my energy was drained out of me. maybe it was coz of the busy march hols i had. mon: LA proj + walk walk at bugis, tues: chinese proj + walk walk at bugis, wed-fri: band camp. so even after sleeping for about 10 hours, i remain as drained as ever T.T my HSSRP and most of my hw remain undone. i had not started mozart sonata 2nd mvmt, even though it was supposed to be hw from very long ago?!?! ms toh found out but i had to sight-read the exposition part during lesson anyway >.< so i'm totally unprepared for my diploma lah. now i think it's being postponed to april 2009. wow. SYF during that period also ahh. and sec 4 is supposed to be very busy leh, omgosh =/

but worst of all are still my grades. while most ppl (including my parents) still haven't found out how many tests i have screwed, i'm really very stressed over it!!! it's like i feel i'm a complete idiot.. regardless of whether i study or not my marks are still crap. and i dun understand a lot of things, even though my tchrs are good and i have tuition. and anyway i dun exactly have time to do a lot of in-depth revision, which just adds lots of fuel to the fire. i'm tired, really tired.

the physical tiredness is already bad enough. but the mental exhaustion is so much worse. i wonder how long more can i carry on like this.

for saga maligna, mr ng mentioned a lot of times about being so sad that you cannot cry. i've always wondered what it was like to experience it, which he said he has experienced before. i used to think that when you're really very sad you will cry (or rather, weep) nonstop, but now i realized i was wrong. take now for example. i'm really very emo, frustrated, upset, stressed, sad.. lots of negative emotions put together and all mixed up inside. it's like i'm just bottling it up, and regardless of whether i want to cry or not, i just can't. it's not that i don't want to. it's just that i've reached a point where i'm really tired of everything and there's no more energy left inside me. not even to do something as simple and effortless as crying.

yes mr ng, i've got what you mean. i'm unable to cry, unable to let it all out. all i can do is just sit there and stone.

i feel that sense of dreariness
i feel that sense of hopelessness
i feel that sense of such mental exhaustion that i cannot cry
i feel like doing nothing except just sitting somewhere and stoning
i feel like just running away from everything, but i just can't
i feel like i'm losing myself in all these crap emotions
i feel to tired to even write this post, let alone do my homework
i feel like just abandoning everything
i feel like having a nice long sleep, to dream about pleasant things only and forget about all undesirable stuff
i feel like i'm living an empty life
i feel that my life has no passion and meaning to it
i feel too tired to even have a nervous breakdown
i feel like i'm totally undeserving of whatever blessing i have
to summarize this in one sentence, i feel like i'm a total GONER.

sometimes when i'm supposed to be happy (or not sad, at least) i will suddenly just start to emo.. i also don't know why =/ it has happened a lot of times.

the tears have finished flowing and you're not helping. (to any of you who are reading this blog, dun worry coz it's not you.) now, there is an empty, hollow void in my soul where the tears used to be, where they used to wash away the pain. now that even they are gone, i'm really left with nothing.

i know i act very happy (sometimes even to the extent of being overly hyper) by talking, laughing, gossipping and crapping etc. i guess you all may even think i do it too much. however, it is only then when i am able to forget about all the pain and crap etc and just enjoy myself.. temporarily. later when i am all alone again everything will automatically start crashing back.

for those of you who have lent me a listening ear during this trying period of time, i just want to let you know that i cannot ever thank you enough. i feel really blessed to be surrounded by such caring people like you all, whom i know will stand by me even in the darkest hour. thank you so much! :D

for those of you who have also been caring about me although you are unaware about what i've been going through, i thank you a lot too (: it's not that i dun trust you enough to share such personal stuff.. it's just that i'm uncomfortable with doing so. it's not that i intentionally poured out my innermost feelings to them, just that they happened to find out by chance. (dun ask me how they managed to realize that something was wrong.. they just seemed to sense it. beats me how they did. =/ )

i'm really very touched by all of you who have tried to help me get over such a tough time, even if it was just a simple "are you ok?", coz to me, care can be expressed in the simplest of ways. God's love, together with such intangibles, are the only things that keep me going. because of the care, concern and encouragement that you all have shown me, i press on and continue to run the race of life. thank you everyone who has attempted to cheer me up, regardless of whether you succeeded or not. i'm not someone who cares about the outcome of such actions; to me, it's the thoughts that count. when i think about you all and all that you've done for me, i feel a lot better already.. thank you so much :D

but i'm still very sad leh =/

never mind. maybe i should just learn to put on a happy facade and forget about all the undesirable emotions beneath it. or maybe i should just learn to toughen myself up so that i can remain unfazed even in the face of such emotions. or maybe i should just pretend everything is all right, until the day i really snap..

thank you everyone who has helped me through this mess. it's not over, but hopefully it will be over soon.

thank you, once again. <3

argh. there was LA meeting ystd and chinese meeting today. then for the next 3 days, there will be band camp. argh. no free day at all?!?!

yesterday we kept moving around bugis can. at first we discussed in the library, only to discover that we could only talk in whispers = not very productive right. so we moved to the soup spoon. please dun talk to me about tt place ever again!! for those of you who may wanna eat there, pls rmb that 2 ppl can share 1 soup. every 1 of us were full to burst after half a bowl, and over the next hr we somehow forced ourselves to finish the rest! oh, i didn't finish the bread, hahahaha xD

oh, and thank you so much steffi for the cakes! the 6 polar cakes must have cost you quite a lot. but thanks anyways :) although we were all like O.O when you first took them out thanks to the FULL lunch we had, haha.

then went back to the library lor. went to the 5th floor garden (or whatever they call it, heck it) and it started to rain -.- so we moved in. and just when i thought we FINALLY found a good and cozy place, the guard chased us out T.T so we went back out lor. by then not raining liao =) after a rather unproductive session (we talked more about irrelevant stuff than the proj) we went to bugis again. haha. oh, and we saw min yi, ei leen, yan ci, yizhen and a few other ppl, but daoed them >.< later, min yi and yan ci came to say hi to us =]

so the whole day was spent alternating between bugis and NLB. pretty boring huh.

only to repeat this cycle today.

9.40+ am: reach bugis, walk around. hang yin calls to say that she and theresa will be late.
9.45am: jin jia comes
9.50+am: yi jie comes
10am: theresa comes. yayness! i alone with them very awkward leh >.<
10.15am: go KFC.

hang yin and si jin came later. when we were discussing halfway, i realized tt someone was staring and grinning at me. *looks* OMGOSH. WEI HUA!!! then the guys wanted to invite wei hua to sit with us, but theresa kept saying "let him eat in peace". turns out tt he, kiat shing, chin kiat, jun chong, chair and 1 more guy (can't remember who) meeting at bugis to do proj also. then he left, only to return with kiat shing. haha. we keep bumping into ppl these 2 days. singapore is so small, no wonder teenagers have so few places to go lah!

anyway, at lunchtime, we thought we would be very inconsiderate by not giving up the place to others, so we went to NLB AGAIN. (rahh. alternating between the same 2 places these 2 days. boring right.) children's section. at least we didn't have to speak in whispers, hehehe.

then went back to bugis with si jin, hang yin and theresa after the meeting was over -.=" shopped around a bit, then hang yin left. then thersa suggested taking neos, which was a great idea, except tt hang yin had just left T_T wasted!!! if not 4 ppl more fun, and can pay less also xD

anyway, we took the neos lah. hopefully they're visible, coz i dunno if my scanner will do anything stupid. considering what a comp noob i am, i probably will enable it to do so. i wanted to upload pics from my handphone, but after trying for 10 million light yrs, i remain unsuccessful. so nvm, will try to upload the pics from my hp another day xD i'm too lazy to try again LOL.


sorry si jin! >.< i had to put all those musical notes on your face and did not know how to erase it! omgosh! oh, and the background is supposed to be gold. why is it black?!?!


ok, hopefully this is better xD anyway i think it is..


this is the nicest of all the pics =] i look the most normal here..


YAY!!! see? this pic is cute! =)

haha. these 2 days were supposed to be discussions, but we had fun too! anyway, life is short, so we must make it as enjoyable as possible, right? as for the neos right..
i know i look retarded (ok, we were all shocked at the outcome), but nvm lah xD and the machine lagged! so we had extra time to design the photos!

kk, that's about it for now. hope you guys can see the photos!

:)

ok, so term 1 is over. the much-anticipated hols have finally arrived. everything seems to be ok, except tt i am not very happy.

so the term started off fine. went to 3H, got to know quite a few nice ppl :) sub combi: triple science + history + MEP. took on the role of being a section leader in band, and am involved in HSSRP (which is totally ARGH). i thought it was as easy as in sec 2, where all you need is a little bit of luck to score above-average in exams. but.. haiz. life has been stressing me up real bad :(

my results are like totally atrocious, especially physics and chinese. while i have always been kinda handicapped in chinese >.< (so flopping it doesn't bring about as much pain and disappointment as it ought to), physics has been a complete letdown. i don't know why but i have flopped every single physics test leh. i still dare not show anyone any of my physics paper. trust me, i am REALLY freaking scared tt i fail my physics this year or something. which is totally unexcusable lah. omgosh. what if my report book contains a 'D' on it? then there will be a long series of rather unpleasant events unfolding. sigh.

chem has been a disappointment too. while the shock of my chem results isn't as bad as the shock of my physics and chinese results coz a lot of ppl in cls got around my score, nevertheless, i don't think it's acceptable anyway. pray Lord that next term will be a better one for everyone, that everyone's results may improve. Lord, many people are very worried about their grades, and they need You. Amen.~

something made me very very happy today: I WENT TO CHURCH!!! ^^ lalala. it has been a long time since i last went, and since i happened not to have music lesson this morning, i went to church! :) it's great to go to church, especially when you've not been going for a very long time and you know you need it. pastor khong is totally IMBA can.. he made the whole congregation pray for 1 hour without realizing it! he said things like pray for: phillipines (a pastor from there lost his wife), malaysia (political situation) and other nations, singapore (ministers and mas selamat), marketplace (major revival, increase in the population of each church, society, which includes school, work, home etc), a show they are going to organize in esplanade, and family. he said "don't stop praying! if you run out of things to say, pray in tongues. how many of you can speak in tongues?" most of the congregation could, but i can't >.<

there was this guy which made me O.O he kept praying in tongues, and i was truly amazed at what the Holy Spirit could do to people. i heard him pray about the mas selamat thingy, and he was like "Lord, only he knows where he is. pray that You forgive him, for he does not know what he is doing." i was thinking omgosh. while most of the congregation was probably praying that mas selamat get captured quickly and get wad he deserves so tt life can go back to normal for everyone, here he is, praying for forgiveness on mas selamat's behalf?!?! pastor khong said in korea, the average pastor would say tt 1 hour of prayer = warmup. at first the congregation was like O.O but later i think everyone realized it was true. at first, i couldn't think of anything to pray about, maybe coz i haven't been actively involved in church for very long. but later, it was like.. 1 hour was barely enough for prayer!

by God's grace, i know that all year 3 dunmanians will get through this alive and unscathed. i know that there will be a lot of miracles done, and that we can expect to see a lot of changes for the better. yes, Lord. Amen.

P.s. i think this 1 week holiday is really a gimmick. tmr there is LA meeting (which is tentatively scheduled to take up the whole day), and there is camp from wed-fri (from about 730am-6++pm). so i'm left with tues to finish up all my stuff. but then again, maybe i will have to meet up with my HSSRP mentor...

argh. but i know i will get through all this crap alive.

today was a bad day.

argh.

rahh, things always turn out like this.
maybe i should stop trying lah. coz it's never gonna work.
stop talking nonsense, i should tell myself. how can i quit trying before even trying?
nvm nvm.

i'm so bloody pissed off now. by lots of things.

ugh.

Back from hiatus.. early

yup i know i said i will be going on hiatus until the end of term 1, but not having a place to vent my frustrations freely makes me feel like.. bleh :( lack of self-discipline lah i know. haha.

scanning/ printing out an extra copy of SBT now, since just now suddenly want to use then dunno who packed the cupboards so at first a lot of SLs (including me)were damn scared coz we thought we couldn't find. thank God i managed to find a copy!! but it was really torn and tattered =( practically falling apart. so i think i will send it for rebinding, and make an extra copy just in case!

school work has been piling up. got back the HCL test, and i totally flunked the cheng yu and cloze component.. i think i got the lowest in class! T.T omgosh. was damn malu ok! some more with that imba hang yin beside me.. this is damn damn damn demoralizing. i dun think i want to show my parents/tutor this paper until i gotten back the comprehension component, which i hopefully did better in. haiz. i guess i'm just not born to be good in chinese.

my printer is so sloww.. i am only printing out the cover page now!! tsktsktsk.. hurry up! ok yay it's done ^^ scanning the contents page now. it better be completed quickly.

anyway, it's been pretty emo nowadays. yes i know tt i may joke, laugh and crap (maybe a bit too much) but you guys probably dun realize tt this is to conceal whatever tt is inside. today was a good example. when we were walking to the chem lab, i was laughing like siao coz of __________, and glada commented tt i have "childlike laughter". hahahahaha. tt is, until i told her what i was laughing about. LOL. but later tt afternoon, reality suddenly started to crash in on me. dunno why suddenly so emo leh =/ i began questioning myself my purpose in life. who am i? what am i? i'm not as happy as what you all perceive me to be from my cheerful exterior. i guess i'm just trying to put on a brave front.

haha, but i dun cry at night just before sleeping lah :) i guess it'll be alright after awhile. anyway, the most genuine tears are often the tears tt cannot be seen, right? and crying only makes you wallow in self-pity, which i think is not very useful coz life has to go on. no point emo-ing about things in the past. look towards the present and future and continue running the race of life =)

i really miss RGPS 5F'04/ 6F'05, and everthing else tt happened to me within tt time!! those two years taught me a lot of things. it helped me to grow, not just in terms of academics. it gave me a whole new horizon of life's perspectives. it helped me to be one step closer to reach my goal of touching lives, and i hope i did. it helped me to uncover my life's purpose. it helped me to be useful not just to myself, but also to those around me. i know i had made many mistakes during those two years, some of which were pretty serious i guess >.< but then again, those mistakes helped me to reflect on the aspects of my life which could be better, and ultimately helped me to learn. ppl may think that i wasted a lot of time engaging in "free labour", but then again, i picked up invaluable lessons of life i would otherwise never have been able to gain access to. anyway, i had lots of fun in the process, which was very different from the politically-correct ideas of "fun" :)

though i may have took things for granted back then, on hindsight, i realize that was the happiest period of my life.
without those times, i dun think i would have what i have now.
my life would have been very different.

but it's all over, it's all over...
i really miss those times :' (
i don't think they will ever be presented to me again, at least not in the forseeable future...
all i have are just some souvenirs from the past... oh, and a ton of fond memories.
i promise i'll treasure whatever i have left <3
so, to whoever is reading this, treasure even the most mundane things you have now. because you will never known when it will be taken away from you, and by then it will be too late.

yup, since this is a public blog, i shall not emo too freely. but i feel like i have been living the wrong life. i've been living a lie for very long i suppose. and i really want to face up to the truth.

-liking the wrong subject(s).. only realizing this misconception thanks to ms low, my form tchr. without her, my sec 3 life wouldn't have been so wonderful so far =)
-being too "open" about things.. i realize tt i must learn to be more discreet and secretive, regardless of who i am interacting with.
-been to submissive, to the extent that it has affected areas of my life tt i can't control. true, putting up too strong a resistance against ppl of the highest authority when you are only 12/13/14 years old is never easy. but had i known what detrimental effects this "mental weakness" would bring about, standing firm and resolute to my decisions would have been so much more worthwhile.

i took up a lot of time to write this post, but it has helped me understand things so much more. it's been a very fruitful 10-15min blogging.. the investment of a few min can't compare to what i just took back.

i musn't emo, i musn't emo...
life is not about thinking of the past. it is about living the present, and looking towards the future.
only then, can you really run the race of life.

yo ppl :) hope y'all had a good CNY and were paid reasonably well in exchange for all the crap you've had to endure.. all the "wah so big already arh!", "wah you must jump more than can grow taller!" etc.

anyway, here's a joke about this: your relatives talk the same old crap to you, saying "wah so big already arh!" year after year. so finally, you couldn't stand it. instead of just smiling in hypocrisy, you tell them "wah you are so old already, you have one foot in the grave!" xDD ok, before you go round shooting your mouths off at your irritating relatives, just one word of caution: i tell you this joke doesn't mean you really go tell all your relatives that arh. if you do, i can't assure you wad you will become.

and, i will be going on hiatus (i hope) until this term is over! considering the meagre amount of ppl who actually visit this blog, and the amount of time left until the march holidays, i don't think there will be that many detrimental effects. just wanna concentrate more on my studies and not waste any more time blogging! my marks are sucky enough as they are. but dun worry, i will be coming to check the tags lah, so pls tag here as per normal :) thx alot.

bye for now! going off to enjoy the rest of my CNY hols!
<3

just came back from reunion dinner at my paternal grandparents' house. drank red wine (just for fun) and contrary to what i thought, the wine was kinda strong for me and as a result i am so sleepy now T.T

yesterday's MEP lesson was uhm.. freaky. ms lin assigned us partners for composition lah.. supposedly to 'complement each other'. yes this arrangement is permanent. and my partner is *drum roll* ALEX!! omgosh. i was like staring at her for one whole min while everyone else was having the same O.O reaction lah. but i still count myself more blessed than huihan, who was blessed with YANG SHEN. i think huihan and i are totally incompatible with our partners lor.

since ms lin was having lesson in the digital arts studio and we, the 1st class, had to do composition with our partners for the 1st half of the lesson, we went to the music room next door. so like duh, we were slacking.. chatting, playing the piano, eating, doing hw etc. then later alex and yang shen decided to do pumping (and clapping) lol! but the most O.O part was when ms lin suddenly came in, uninvited and unannounced, catching them in the midst of their pumping. she said something like," what has this got to do with music?" then they say they finish liao. so she said," you sure?" and since they said yes, we had to WRITE CHORDS LAH!! argh. i hope mine were correct.. i just dun understand it, especially since i've not touched ABRSM theory since i was p6. hmmm.

anyway, today was the highlight of my week so far! went to city hall to meet my LA group - theresa, hang yin, si jin, steffi and joshua - for discussion. hang yin came later coz of piano lesson. at first we were at HMV, wondering where to go to discuss, even though we thought of going to burger king yesterday. so we walked to esplanade then to marina. eh tt machine in the underpass from citylink to esplanade is freaky ok!! you hear for too long confirm start laughing one -.-

so anyway we decided on starbucks lah. and what was totally retarded was that me, who thought starbucks is expensive, ordered an americano expresso (i need caffeine hor) for $4. i was thinking, wow, this is a good deal, i get to save $1++ as compared to the rest of my group. then when i tasted it, IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE KOPI-O POK KOSONG!!! wasted my 4 bucks lah.. could have gotten it at a hawker centre at 60 cents -.=" and i felt that we made the most progress today as compared to the rest of the days when we meet up during free periods or something - in those circumstances, we would either ** ***** **** (no obsession kay!!), do hw or just crap. ok lah, maybe we would think of a storyline, but not as much. maybe without the distractions of hw etc, we can get a lot more work done. whatever it is, i feel so accomplished now! ^^ anyway now it's all thought of liao YAY.

after hang yin came, steffi and si jin said they wanted to go toilet, so i went with them and we had a good long talk.. about some stuff which isn't particularly convenient to mention here. so after we came back from the toilet, hang yin had already ordered cranberry juice (o.O isn't tt very sour?) and dunno is it we laugh to hard or something then si jin's tea spilled.. "no point crying over spilt TEA." xDD on another occasion, joshua's cover dropped lah. i think we dirtied starbucks leh =/ but as steffi said, probably the only reason why they didn't chase us out was coz they made about $30 from us today. (each person spent about an average of $5.) starbucks seems to enjoy being a place to host project discussions hor. ok lah, hopefully we get to go there more often for LA discussions!

even though i thought we would end at 4++ (with outstanding work, but since everyone has to rush back for reunion dinner so yeah), we ended at 1++pm! congrats :) then joshua left.. so the 5 of us went to yoshinoya for lunch. previously i didn't know there was such a thing called STUDENT'S MEAL.. ok, i know i am very lag lah!! i used to think tt yoshinoya was very ex.. at least now i finally realized it's affordable yay! and i saw SARAH CHUA.. my pri school friend! it's nice seeing someone from your past who has gone a separate way, even though it may have just been a quick "hi" and "bye". i thought she would go back to RGPS.. i wanted to go back ok!! but apparently LA project is more important and urgent so yeah.. will try to go back on tchrs day lah, if anyone is going back at all =/

after tt we went for retail therapy.. ok lah, window retail therapy, since we didn't buy anything at all! so guai right xD actually no lah, coz we no money mah T.T next time i go out for an LA group discussion, must remember to bring at least $30-$40 for impromptu shopping trips! oh, and i need to save up to start buying birthday gifts for friends. yah, come to think of it, this should be one of my new yr resolutions for chinese new year. it is better to give than to receive, anyway =)

then went back to HMV and i left at about 2.30-2.45pm. met my mum at westmall to finish my CNY shopping, coz previously i only bought blouses, so at least today i bought pants! but it's like $48++ leh.. clothes seem to be getting more and more expensive nowadays. must buy less clothes, then can save my parents' money! haha.

happy CNY everyone! forget about all your troubles for the next few days as you receive your money and meet up with your relatives and eat all the CNY goodies (until kena sore throat) and indulge in the festive season! as for all the irritating aunties/uncles who never fail to exclaim over-dramatically at how tall and big you've become, i not so sure wad to do leh.. sorry. i guess we should just keep quiet, or maybe talk minimal crap to them just to satisfy them LOL. when i tell my mum about how annoying they are (ugh) she says tt their generation is like tt. ok.. just hope tt i dun become one of them when i reach their age! hahahaha.

happy CNY, once again! may everyone lead a fulfilling shu nian!
<3

yay! there's no school tmr coz of the outstanding O-level results! ^^ anyway there's LA meeting at city hall tmr, so there's a bit of excitement added to my otherwise dull and boring life. school has been increasingly hectic.. we just had a physics test today, and there will be tests like, every week?!?! sec 3 is so much worse than sec 2, my 'honeymoon' year. haha. wonder how all the seniors managed to get through it, and pass their exams with flying colours..
even if you can control me, obviously you can't control other people right. just because you're used to having your way in the courtroom doesn't mean that you can always have your way outside it. sometimes i wonder how you act in front of other lawyers who are your opponents in the court cases.
if you people don't know who i am talking about, nvm. but then again, it's pretty obvious lah.
突然想用华文。。
虽然我在家通常不讲华语，但自从我来到了德明后，我发现了华语的重要性：
这几天以来，我一直在想，自己到底是谁？我发现，原来我，苏俐杉，不是你们这些人以为的，也不是自己以为的自己。不明白，不了解，为什么。。。
原来生活是那么负杂的。。
在这个新年里，我希望能够把生活调理一下，过得好一些。
祝大家新年快乐，学业进步！
(:
i'm so sick of this.

why was it that when i typed a super long post, it just couldn't be published, and so i have to write a new one? argh. i can't be bothered to retype everything out again.
my hamster died today.. but i dun feel sad. no point lah, what's done is DONE! i have loved and cared for him as an owner, and now that he's dead, it's time to move on.
school is getting more and more imba these days. my math test: 8.5/12. not very good lah =/ but the part that pisses me off the most is that i made a careless mistake.. if not i could have gotten 10.5/12, which is more acceptable lah. but i feel very guilty.. ms low gave us so much, and i can't even repay her kindness in terms of my math results. and it's not even as if those questions were completely foreign.
I HATE LA. yep, ms yeo has been doing a great job in ensuring that the LA welfare of 3H has been pretty good, and i do think she's a good teacher. however, i just don't think LA is my cup of tea. no offence, anybody! :)
i wonder what subject person am i leh. a lot of people (including my parents) think i am a language person, but then again, i dun have the creativity or passion to churn out good essays. i prefer math to shakespeare haha.. and for some reason, creative writing can't give me the satisfaction i derive from math. mr sng said in a speech a few days ago that the adolescent years is when we start to question who we really are. i dun think i'm much of an LA person after all. and i'm not as good in it as what other people think.. i know myself best, right. my blog posts happen to be long coz i'm either very pissed off, or excited to reminiscise about my day with 3H. under normal cirsumstances, i dun write such long posts.. although i DO notice that my posts have been longer LOL. i think i'm beginning to talk more both online and in real life.
ok, better stop here now. got lots of things to do, and i'm very sleepy now. sian arh.
bye :)

math was shit. feeling damn apprehensive about it, dun even know whether i can pass or not, let alone get at least 80%. maybe i should have studied more, i mean, we've seen those kind of questions before right? sigh. the test was for like only 20min, and 5 questions!! T_T and to make things worse, when time was already running out, ms low said "4 more mins" then i began panicking like SIAO ok!! as a result, my mind went blank and i couldn't do anything anymore, even though under normal circumstances i think i would be able to.

why are some people born with natural math talent while others are math noobs no matter how hard they try not to be one? maybe i'm just not born to be good at math. and i was so upset and stressed out over the quiz tt for practically 1 period, i was like stoning and lamenting to hang yin about my zero IQ. (thanks hang yin for listening to all my crap even though it was a waste of time and you could have used the time to do something more profitable! :) ) she told me dun stress myself, tt kind of thing lah, but it's not as if i want to stress myself in the 1st place. to me, marks are tt important. especially a useful, core subject like math.

sigh.

confusion

i really dunno what to do these days. so many things to do, yet so little time and motivation to do them. i feel torn between so many worlds - i really don't know what is best for me. people would say tt this is just teenage angst; everyone goes through them. but sometimes i just feel like it's going to kill me anytime. and someone who keeps pestering me whether there is anything to hand up tmr is REALLY IRRITATING. &*^&(^%Y*%. CAN YOU PLEASE ACCEPT AND UNDERSTAND THE FACT THAT I HATE BUSYBODIES?!?! ugh. been feeling pretty pissed off these few days. but it's not like i'd tell many ppl about it.. not that i dun trust anyone, but since i'm a complete sucker for sharing emotions, i prefer bottling everything inside and just wait for it to go away.

***

i'm sorry but i have to let everything out here.

i'm really sick and tired of all this shit. all my life, i've been doing things to make YOU happy. you guys have always dominated my life, so that my likes/dislikes/interests/dreams become yours, and there's practically nothing left for me to call my very own. i dun even feel comfortable around you anymore! you claim you love me and care for me so if there's anything wrong you'll always be here for me. but everytime i try to tell you about what i TRULY feel, you'll be angry and say something like "SHUT UP!", "don't talk crap to me", "we've discussed it already, i don't wish to repeat myself" or, "you have no right to be angry." what the hell. you think that since i was once a toddler means i'm a toddler forever is it -.- you don't realize that you must expect different levels of submissiveness from toddlers and teenagers. i find you shockingly domineering and controlling. it's like, i dun even have any breathing space at all! i feel trapped.. within the confines of my own home. my home, a place supposed to be filled with warmth, care and security, has now only been demolished to a place where i eat, sleep, bathe and study in. talk about what care and security. unless you're referring to the lack of security without a roof over your head lah, that is.

i'm still very pissed about many matters which have supposedly "closed" years ago. i feel as though i'm living my life for the two of you.. which is retarded, coz IT'S MY LIFE. MY LIFE, not YOURS. if you've made some success over it, then i wouldn't mind.. i would trust you anyway wad. however, time and again, you screw up all my plans, hopes and strategies for a better future. if i were to make my own decisions, whether it turns out well or not, i'm fully responsible for it. but if YOU make MY decisions, if it turns out well, the credit will partially go to me, partially to you. (if the consequences are desirable then i wouldn't mind sharing the credit.) but if it turns out badly (like it almost always does), i'm SOLELY HELD ACCOUNTABLE. held accountable, even though i had no choice but to follow. held accountable, even though the decision wasn't made by me. then you will come and blame me, say that i'm never happy with what i have. of course not happy right, since i have nothing to be happy about with your decisions -.-

you say that you love me so much, you want me to succeed tts why you plan out my future for me. and i can't have a say because you're "so much older and have seen so much more of life than me". so yup. no self-made decisions, no happiness, ultimately no success, which brings about more unhappiness. when i'm pissed, you will say tt i like to make myself angry for no good reason, always like to roll my eyes, tts why my eyesight was good then now detioriated, tts why i got migraine. then still say what "when everybody is achieving success, you will be in the operating room. no amount of money can replace you being in the operating room." then will proceed to tell me about the horrors of it. (dun want to type here coz i lazy xD )

when i show signs of irritation and hint to you that you don't deserve to take 200% control of my life, you will say," then dun come and complain tt you dun get the success you want." like duh, of course i dun! coz you always come and ruin my plans. you dun realize that i know myself best, you barely know me coz i won't reveal my character to you.. just because you gave birth to me or you hope i'll take after your genes or some bullshit you know me much better than i know myself. how many dreams i had to part with in order to make you happy! i know i have lost my sense of self in the process. but do you care? NO! you never care about feelings.. if you do it's only your own. i never get a say in my everyday affairs. people have advised me, time and again, to sit down and have a good talk with you guys. ok lah, talk then talk lor. but the problem is, will you think it IS a problem that has to be addressed, or me showing some attitude problem? we both know the answer, dun we?

and you. you say that whatever i do must lead me to a trophy, so dun waste time doing things that dun. yet, you tell me that this kind of do-things-which-will-lead-me-to-a-common-benefit mentality is too singaporean. ugh. dun you realize you are just contradicting yourself? never mind if those areas are what i'm truly passionate in! never mind that those things are just as important to me as academics! never mind that those things are a measure of my self-worth! never mind lah, coz only your opinions matter, right? i know you will agree.

people think that whenever i have a problem (including those with you), i can always tell them. so they may be wondering, why dun you share it with someone then?

and it's such a simple question.

ugh. i wonder when this will end.

wah stupid stupid stupid -.- i received the damn msn virus thrice today. 1st time was from meera, my pri school friend.. when i saw my email at the file i go open.. then found out it was a virus. by then too late liao.. invaded my whole msn and automatically go send to my contacts without my knowledge and control. the 2nd and 3rd time was from joshua.. he claim i go send to him then it go send to all his contacts. ran the antivirus for dunno how many times liao.. and delayed my history group (sorry!) argh. now is 12.57am and there's still the speech to write.. thankfully, jin jia did quite a lot liao :) i damn tired.. for the past few days, i slept a grand total of 9 HOURS!

imba LOL.

hi. yay sian sian sian! i really hope emperor can come along fine.

rahh. i will never dare to touch sodium hydroxide ever again in my entire life.

so retarded. i got burnt by it today..

coz during chem lesson, we were doing chem experiments, and my NaOH bottle apparently was leaking (but i didn't dare to screw it tightly in case i got burnt), so i just poured and.. OWW! (i think i screamed very loudly leh. >.< )

so went to rinse my hand under running water and called the teacher.. then she gave me first aid O.O thanks steffi, ei leen, felise and cheng ting etc for their help! :D just now when i was bathing, it started stinging again.. oww. nvm lah, tchr said it should be ok within 2 days, so i take it as a definite yes =D

should go eat my dinner now, then clear up my math holiday homework coz it's due tmr and i don't exactly have very little left! (Appalling LOL.)

feel damn retarded now

so demoralizing..

should i or should i not? i know i'm unprepared, but golden opportunities only come once in a lifetime.

kinda emo.. coz wad ms lin said, after all, is true.

but then again, i can't back out now, can i?

in such a dilemma now.. both ways are equally enticing

i really don't know what's best

i couldn't concentrate during math lesson coz of this..

you guys probably didn't know what i was thinking.. but thanks for cheering me up (unconsciously) with all the crap and laughter :)

and for awhile, i really forgot all about it..

but then, it stupidly chose to come back =(

went to RGS for the HSSRP briefing today

mdm nora drove me there (wow) and i sat there in her car feeling so paiseh..

coz the 2 of us were the only ones there =/

but she was nice.. she offered to drop me off somewhere after the briefing (:

but my dad was already picking me up so i didn't go.

i saw phyllis at the briefing!! she's my pri sch friend!! =D

then we kept laughing and laughing during the briefing..

then there was this group of guys who went to present their proposal..

one of them was standing straight, BUT his butt was sticking out -.-

we all were sniggering.. i hope we didn't laugh too loudly xD

right now her msn nick is "it isnt alright if you stand real straight with your butt sticking out you know" LOL!

then there was this girl.. she kept applying dunno wad lipstick or lip gloss or something in plain view of everyone.. when the speaker was speaking

so disrespectful huh =.=

we sniggered at tt too xD

but the worst was this woman.. i shan't say anything about it here.. coz it's too err.. sick to be spoken on the internet anyway

the briefing was kinda boring.. but it was fun to see phyllis again LOL

but i wasn't thrilled about the ponning lessons part though.

missed chem test.. and i heard CME was funny.

arghh.

gtg now. bye